Episode 97

full
Published on:

3rd Nov 2025

82:: The science of female friendships (& the ultimate friendsgiving guide!)

The #1 Predictor of Health and Happiness (Hint: It’s Not Exercise or Diet!)

What if the secret to lifelong health wasn’t about your workout routine or what’s on your plate but about who’s sitting across the table from you?

In this episode, we dive into the groundbreaking Harvard Study of Adult Development (the world’s longest-running study on happiness) and the incredible science showing that relationships are the most powerful predictor of long-term health.

You’ll learn:

  • How strong friendships protect against heart disease, diabetes, and even dementia
  • Why women’s health benefits especially from quality connections
  • The “tend and befriend” stress response that lowers cortisol and boosts resilience
  • How social fitness compares to physical fitness (spoiler: it’s surprisingly close!)
  • Practical tips for building deeper, more joyful connections

Whether you’re catching up with a bestie, joining a new group, or just craving more connection, this episode is your reminder that friendship isn’t optional—it’s essential.

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The #1 predictor of a happy & healthy life: https://wellness-big-sis-the-pod.captivate.fm/episode/29-the-1-predictor-of-a-happy-healthy-life-plus-creating-cozy-fall-vibes-dating-your-friends/

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/09/04/opinion/riffing-banter-friendship-connection.html 

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00:00- 00:17 Intro

00:18- 00:22 Introduction to November's Theme: Friendships and Gratitude

00:23- 00:37 The Number One Predictor of a Happy and Healthy Life

00:38- 02:25 Importance of Relationships in Wellness

02:26- 05:21 Research Studies on Relationships and Health

05:22- 07:47 Gender Differences in Relationship Benefits

07:48- 13:38 Social Fitness vs. Physical Fitness

13:39- 14:14 Neap Protein 

14:15- 20:00 The Power of Riffing Over Small Talk

20:01- 25:26 Friendsgiving Hosting Tips and Tricks

25:27- 27:08 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Mentioned in this episode:

Neap

Transcript
Speaker:

for me, November is all about friendships

and gratitude and enjoying time together.

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So let's dive in to the number one

predictor of a happy and healthy life.

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And it might not be what you think it is.

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Welcome back to Wellness of the Pod.

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I'm your host, Dr.

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Kelsey Vic, a board certified orthopedic

doctor of physical therapy and a

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pelvic floor physical therapist.

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So every year so far, this is only year

two of the podcast, but I've done some

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version of this episode because I really

do think it is so important to talk about

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this side of wellness and what better

month to do it in than November, where

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we're already focusing on gratitude

and friendships and relationships.

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We're about to start the holidays with.

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American Thanksgiving and Christmas

and all of the other holidays that

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sort of surround this time of year.

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So I always like to do an episode

on this topic because as much as

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we talk about our musculoskeletal

system, our physiology, neuroscience.

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mental health, physical health, spiritual

health, all of that sort of stuff, the

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actual number one predictor of a happy and

healthy life has been found and researched

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to be the quality of your relationship.

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So I feel like it's very important to

chat about it because we can get so

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caught up in all of the biohacking and

the physical and the learning about

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our bodies when a lot of the time

it is that happy hour with friends.

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That can be more important

than your hour gym time a week.

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Investing not only in your physical

health but also in the quality

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of relationships is huge for

our overall health and wellness.

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So I'll link the episode that

I did last year on this exact

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topic so that you can refer back.

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But I'm gonna update the research a

little bit, present a few new studies,

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present a few of the older studies we

talked about last year, and just refocus

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and reset and just give an alternative

way of viewing health and wellness.

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More than just the physical, more

than just the musculoskeletal.

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More than just the neurological.

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I really wanna put all of that aside

and chat about the importance of

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relationships and quality relationships,

especially as it relates to our overall

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health, but then also our happiness.

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So let's get into it.

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We're gonna start off by presenting

a few of the studies and the research

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on relationships and how they relate

to different components of our health.

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And then at the end, I always like

to do a little bit of a Friendsgiving

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guide and things that I look for

when hosting Friendsgiving, or

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things that I like to pay attention

to when hosting Friendsgiving.

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So it'll be a fun little girly chat

about the importance of quality

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relationships and then also a little

bit of a Friendsgiving chat at the end.

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If you are.

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Going to be hosting a Friendsgiving.

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So one of the most popular studies

in the field of relationships is the

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Harvard Study of Adult Development, and

it's been going on for 85 plus years.

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There's been different

directors throughout its time.

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It started off males, now it's

starting to incorporate more females.

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So it's one of the longest running

studies, and it's the sort of probably

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number one study that is referred

to when talking about how important

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relationships are in our lives,

in our health and our happiness.

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So it's an 85 plus year study

on the top contributors of

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lifelong health and happiness.

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So they didn't really even start

off researching about relationships.

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That's just what has been shown through

this study is that relationships are super

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important and now they're actually getting

to the point where they're studying.

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The kids and the grandkids of

the original participants to see

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what is the genetic component.

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If someone has high quality

relationships, How does that

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affect generations after them?

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So the primary finding of

the study has been strong.

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Relationships are the primary predictor

of long-term health and happiness.

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Those with the warmest connections

towards others were less likely to develop

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heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, and

they had better immune system function

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and better recovery from sickness.

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Overall, they say social fitness might

be even more important than physical

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fitness, and I know gasp Kelsey, the

Doctor of physical therapy is saying that.

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But this study is one that I like

to point out because we can get

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so caught up in the weeds with all

of the physical that we forget.

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One of the most important things

that we can invest in is our

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relationships with others.

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So Dr.

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Robert Waldinger, the current director

of the study, says that loneliness kills,

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it's as powerful as smoking or alcoholism.

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So let that sink in a little

bit because that is a very

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strong statement to make.

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Another landmark study in this field

came from Holt and Stead in:

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They did a meta-analysis on social

relationships and mortality.

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So a meta-analysis is basically

the top tier research.

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It pulls together a lot of the

top quality studies and analyzes

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them across the board as a whole.

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So it's groups together,

the top studies in a field.

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And so overall, this pulled together

148 studies with over 308,000 people.

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So their findings were that people with

stronger social relationships had a 50%

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increased likelihood of survival compared

to those with weaker social relationships.

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And this was consistent across

age, sex, and health status.

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And this is one of the first studies

to show that quality relationships

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can actually help us live longer.

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This year specifically, I wanted

to look into how females benefit

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more from relationships compared

to men, or what are the differences

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between how females benefit from.

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A relationship compared to men or how

do we go about forming relationships?

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Are we better able to form

those deeper connections?

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I wanted to compare female to male

when it came to quality relationships.

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So for female specific, a woman's

health generally benefits more from

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quality relationships compared to

a man's health, but it is also more

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negatively impacted by social isolation.

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So on either sides of the extreme,

we benefit more from quality

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relationships, but we're also more

negatively impacted by social isolation.

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Women are better at providing

social support, relying on social

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support, and disclosing important

parts of their stories, which helps

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to build that social connection.

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So all of these are of course,

associated with friendship.

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High quality female friendships

specifically lead to lower blood pressure,

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reduced cardiovascular disease, and a

60% lower chance of premature death.

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quality female friendships can also

help lower cortisol levels in women who

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regularly engage with their close friends.

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Dr.

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Taylor out of UCLA who's one of the

primary researchers in this field, found

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that when faced with external stress,

women gravitate towards each other to

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help cope while also taking care of

others to help cope with that stress.

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So she called this way of handling

stress, the tend and befriend theory,

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or the tend and befriend way of

handling stress versus the fight or

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flight response that we're all very

familiar with, where women naturally

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want to take care of others, and

we also want to befriend others.

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When faced with that external stress,

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which I thought was interesting

because I do feel like women in general

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are more open with each other, more

willing to ask for guidance or help or.

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Sort of bond over challenges, which can

be that befriend part of the equation.

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But I hadn't really ever thought about

the tend part of the equation where

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we, when faced with stress of any

kind, we want to start to take care of

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others, which I feel like is a real.

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special thing about being a woman, I guess

that when faced with stress are, one of

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our immediate reactions is not to fight

or flight, but possibly to take care of

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others, which I think is really beautiful.

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So Dr.

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Taylor says This whole process of

tend and befriend is mediated by

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oxytocin release, which in turn

can help lower our cortisol levels.

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So that's with female

friendships specifically.

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But I also wanted to dive into our social

fitness versus our physical fitness.

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So how are our bodies, our minds,

benefiting from spending time on

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our relationships and improving

those quality relationships or.

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Investing in those quality relationships

versus our physical fitness.

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So what is the comparison and

contrasting nature of social

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fitness versus physical fitness?

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So from the physical fitness

standpoint, a high VO O2 max

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reduces mortality by 41 to 53%.

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And a VO two max is just, you can think

of it as a measure of our heart health.

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So comparing that to our social

fitness, strong social relationships.

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There's a 50% increased likelihood of

surviving, so it's very similar, 41

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to 53% if you have a high VO two max.

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So a high physical capacity, but

a 50% increase in the likelihood

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of survival with strong social

relationships or strong social fitness.

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So I thought that

comparison was interesting.

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Loneliness is associated with an

increased risk of obesity, physical

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inactivity, and an unhealthy diet.

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Obesity and social isolation combined

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. Leads to a greater mortality risk.

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So physical fitness, social

fitness, very closely connected.

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And if you add in isolation to the

equation, that can lead to poor

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physical fitness measures or statistics.

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And if you combine 'em together,

overall worse health for men and women.

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So overall quality of friendships lead

to, for both men and women, better

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coping, lower stressed, improved

blood pressure, and a 38% reduction in

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risk for dementia, and 21% reduction

in mild cognitive impairment.

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And I wanted to include that

statistic because I know a lot

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of us probably have loved ones

in our lives who struggled with.

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Memory loss, memory issues, and from

a very subjective standpoint, as a

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physical therapist, a lot of my older

patients who are super on top of it,

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both physically and mentally, they

have a super strong social network.

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They're always going out

to eat with other people.

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They're always, they're

busier than I am socially.

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They're.

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Going out to happy hours and

lunches and hanging out, talking

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on the phone with their friends.

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Those individuals in those later decades

of life are doing so much better compared

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to my patients who are socially isolated.

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I think the statistic is important

that your social relationships

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and your relationships with

others aren't only benefiting you

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physically, but also mentally as well.

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So why?

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How does this even work from

a physiological standpoint?

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Of course, I'm going to get

into the mechanism and ways

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that diving into your quality

relationships helps your physicality.

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I think it's so interesting,

but I also think the interplay

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between the two is interesting.

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Okay, So why, how does this even work?

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How do our social relationships and

the quality of our social relationships

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impact our physical health and our minds?

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So there's a few ways I'll go through

'em super duper quickly, but oxytocin

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release, reduces cortisol and our

stress response reduced inflammation.

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Overall, we've found reduced

inflammatory markers in those with

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higher quality social relationships.

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enhanced immunity with high quality social

relationships, which leads to an improved

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immune system and immune response.

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Overall improved health behaviors.

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socially connected people are more

likely to engage in healthy behaviors

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and avoid unhealthy behaviors.

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There's stress buffering, which leads

to emotional support during difficult

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times with high quality relationships.

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There's an overall sense of purpose.

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Relationships give us more meaning

and motivation to take care of

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ourselves because we feel like

other people are relying on us.

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There's cognitive protection, high

quality relationships maintains our

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mental sharpness and reduces mental

decline, and then there's better

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emotional regulation, meaning that

sharing our thoughts and feelings

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helps us to process emotions better.

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I know we all probably intuitively

understand this, but it's really cool

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to see that Not only does taking care

of our physical health actually affect

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us, which of course, duh, we all knew

that, but also actually investing in

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our social relationships and taking care

of our social relationships will also

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help our health and happiness long term.

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I don't know if any of you guys have

played the sport of paddle or padel.

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I feel like it's just now

making its way to the states.

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And I know I have a few worldwide

listeners who have probably played it

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before, but we are really enjoying it.

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But in the states it's expensive.

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So it's two V two.

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it's almost like pickleball mixed with

squash, where you play off the wall.

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So there's more.

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Involved in playing, and it's always two

on two, so you have to have four people.

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And we just played to celebrate one

of my good friend's birthdays, and for

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all four of us, it was like 130, $140

an hour, or for an hour and a half for

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90 minutes, which is pretty expensive.

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But the way that I was looking at it,

I was researching for this episode

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probably a few days before, And as soon

as I realized that we were going to

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have to be spending so much money in

order to play a sport that we enjoyed,

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I started thinking back to researching

for this episode and thinking, okay,

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not only am I investing in my physical

health with this 130, $140, I'm also

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investing in these social relationships

with these super good friends of ours.

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And it just made me smile because I was

like, yes, this is freaking expensive

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for 90 minutes for a sport that.

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Is so fun.

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But I don't know, just, 30, $40 a person

is outrageous for 90 minutes when you're,

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when pickleball can be free, when tennis

can be free, when sand volleyball, beach

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volleyball can be free when all of these

other sports that we do can be free, but.

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Investing not only in our physical

health, but it also in my mind, was

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investing in these social relationships

because we all enjoy paddle and we all

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enjoy these novel movement patterns

that we're having to learn for paddle.

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But it just, it was a more recent example

where my mindset had to flip to be like,

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okay, it's not just , , $140 for my

physical health, but it's also investing

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in those quality relationships, this fun

time that we're all gonna have together.

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So while researching for this episode,

I also came across a more recent

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article that I thought was super cool.

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It talks about the difference between

small talk and riffing And how riffing

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is a way to create deeper social

connection quicker with strangers.

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the article was written by Dr.

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Erica Boothby and Dr.

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Maya Rose Milone.

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And the article is titled, you're

Probably Doing Small Talk Wrong,

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and it talks about the difference

between small talk and riffing.

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So what is riffing?

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Riffing is playful

collaborative conversation

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Where two people build on each other's

ideas and a creative imaginative

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world, there's a few pillars.

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It's usually playful, collaborative,

spontaneous, and imaginative compared

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to small talk where it's just facts.

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So a few examples for a

traditional small talk.

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You might say something like

nice weather we're having.

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Yeah, it's finally warming up.

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I'm glad winter is over.

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Me too.

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I hate being cold.

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Same here.

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Have a good day.

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So you're just stating facts.

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And facts.

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Don't create that emotional

connection with a stranger as much

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as something like riffing does.

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for the riffing version,

it might go like this.

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Nice weather we're having, right?

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I feel like I'm emerging from hibernation,

like some sort of confused bear ha.

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Speaking of bears.

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I bet they're all looking around

wait, where did all the snow go?

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I just went to sleep.

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Exactly.

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And now they're probably having

to update the Yelp reviews.

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Cave was great for winter,

napping, but the neighborhood

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has completely changed Two stars.

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Oh no.

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And all the other woodland creatures

are probably gentrifying their

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territory while they were asleep.

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So in this case you can

see the same initial.

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Phrase gets a different response, and

they're both creating an imaginative,

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creative world between two people.

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So they're playing off of each other,

they're being more imaginative.

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They're creating, they're playing make

believe, and these are just two strangers

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who are building that imaginative,

playful, creative world together, which

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creates that deeper emotional connection.

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So in another example, this one's

for work, but for traditional

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small talk, how's work going?

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Busy.

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Lots of meetings lately.

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That sounds exhausting.

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It is.

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I had three meetings yesterday.

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Wow.

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That's a lot.

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So you can see there's not

much emotional depth there.

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Where riffing will go.

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Something like this.

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How's work going?

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I'm basically a professional

meeting attendee.

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At this point.

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I should update my LinkedIn

to meeting enthusiast.

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Oh, you could start a

whole consulting business.

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We'll attend your meetings

so you don't have to genius.

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I'll call it proxy participation.

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My tagline could be, I'll nod thoughtfully

while you get actual work done, and you

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could have a different service tiers.

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Bronze package, basic

nodding, gold package.

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I'll ask one insightful question.

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Platinum, I'll even take notes

that make everyone else feel

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bad about their note taking.

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Stop.

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You're gonna make me accidentally

start a real business.

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So again, in this work scenario,

you can see how small talk, you're

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just stating facts, riffing, you're

starting to play off of each other,

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create this imaginative world.

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And I realized with this article that

a lot of physical therapists that

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I know, some of the best physical

therapists I know, and probably

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some of the best service providers

that you guys know, some of the best

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healthcare workers that you know.

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Use this as a strategy to build rapport

really quickly with their patients

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or with whoever they're serving.

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I know for me.

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I have to be able to build trust

with patients really quickly so that

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they trust me with their health.

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And typically I lean towards humor.

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I lean towards asking them about

their expertise, their day,

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their world, and joking with them

if I get that vibe from them.

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So it's almost a two-way street

where you both have to be willing

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to be creative and imaginative and

playful and humorous in order to

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successfully riff with each other.

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But Dr.

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Maya and Dr.

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Erica Who are both more social researchers

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have established this way of riffing

as a way to build those deeper

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social connections with strangers.

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And I thought it was super cool because

in this season of hosting and dinner

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parties and Friendsgiving, I thought

thinking of that might really help to

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allow people, me included, feel more

comfortable at certain parties where they

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might not know as many people because.

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It can be scary walking into a room

where your friend is hosting, but she has

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friends from other walks of life and other

groups that you might not be a part of.

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And leaning on this sort of way of

creating this playful, imaginative,

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creative alternative reality a little

bit for that brief moment can really

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help open up that relationship and create

that friendship a little bit quicker

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than something as simple as small talk.

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So why does riffing work immediately

creates a shared reality that only the two

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involved in the conversation know about.

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It builds intimacy through creative

collaboration, creating something

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new together in real time.

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Through words, through conversation.

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It can be tied back to

something like childhood play.

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When we're children, we don't

necessarily go up to someone

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and say, Hey, how's your day?

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Can I play with you?

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You just start playing and you

just start creating together.

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So riffing takes it back to that childhood

play and building relationships that way.

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There's also more emotional engagement

where rather than just exchanging

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facts, you're exchanging humor and

excitement, which form deeper bonds.

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So the authors argue that strong

human bonds form out of playful

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banter more so than just shared

similarities or a shared reality.

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I thought this was the perfect article to

include here, just because it kind of ties

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in with friendships and dinner parties

and hosting and this time of year where

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we're just talking to a lot of different

people and focusing on relationships.

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Not only the relationships that we have

depth to, but also the relationships

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where we are forced to meet someone and

understand where they came from and build

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that friendship a little bit quicker.

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And I feel like this article presented

a different way of doing that compared

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to just the small talk that we all

get a little bit nervous about.

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Anyways,

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so enough with the

research, enough with the.

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Importance of relationships.

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Let's get into some of my

Friendsgiving hosting tips and

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tricks, or just a dinner party.

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Again, I know I have a lot of

international listeners and some people

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might not know what a Friendsgiving is.

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I feel like that's

presented a lot on shows.

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I was just watching the summer, I

turned pretty and I think she said

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something about a Friendsgiving

and they were like, what?

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So a Friendsgiving is basically, I think

of it as like a girls get together where.

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One of my friends will host or I'll

host, and we'll just invite a lot

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of girlfriends together to hang out.

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It's usually potluck style where

everyone will bring a dish and

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you'll just chat, get together.

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Sometimes there's conversation

starters that we have.

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It's just like a really warm,

cozy, girly get together.

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So it can be a call to Friendsgiving,

but you can also just use these

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tips for a dinner party as well.

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To get a little emotional with it.

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Food has always been communal.

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One of my favorite parts of eating

is sharing conversations with others.

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And as a side note, I don't actually spend

money on food unless it is a communal.

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Time to eat.

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So if I'm not going to grab lunch with a

friend or go grab dinner with a friend or

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happy hour or have a date night with my

husband, I'm not spending money on food.

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I will delay my meal until I get

home so that I'm not spending

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money on food unless it's communal.

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It's just like a silly rule that I have.

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But I find food to be so communal

and that's just the way that my

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family was growing up too, and the

way that my husband's family is even

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more which has been so wonderful.

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They were always so good about family

dinners growing up, and I've been blessed

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to be brought into that when we were

dating back in high school, but then also

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now where I feel like food is so communal

and it's so beautiful to be able to share

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food from your childhood or food that

you made and you created with others.

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So a few tips for a general

Friendsgiving or dinner party.

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For setting the mood.

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I always like candles and I'm someone

that's super sensitive with scent, so

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I always recommend non-toxic candles

for those of your guests who might

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be sensitive to smells and aromas.

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And I also think something not

super strong, so not something super

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spiced or super pumpkin or super.

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Fall or winter I like a little

bit more subtle because I feel

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like it's not super overwhelming.

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Plus, with the smell of all that is

going to be cooked in the kitchen, it

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might just get a little bit overwhelming

to have a super fall spiced candle.

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So I say keep a fall adjacent

smell for the invite.

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I've done text invites.

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I've done Canva, like images

that I send over text.

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I like to make it accessible for

people where they can go back.

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Sometimes with some of those invites,

like paperless posts, I can't find the

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exact text that it's sent through, and so

I end up having to text the host to say,

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what time's this party, I totally forgot.

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So I always like to have a way

for the guests to refer back to

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what time, where the location,

address, what to bring, all of that.

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For the decor.

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This is something that gets me still

If you've listened to the pod for

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a long time, you know that I've

struggled with this for a while.

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I did an episode on this probably

last fall, but I hate waste and I

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hate spending money on things that

are just gonna be thrown away.

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So decor is really hard for me

because I know that most decor, most

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birthday party decor, most decor in

general is going to get thrown away.

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So I like to use decor that is usable.

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So something like fall squash

or fall fruits, fall veggies.

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Candles that I'll use later

on just for ambient lighting,

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:

because I love using candles.

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I like to have double bang

for my buck for decor because.

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I just hate waste.

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And that's something that I need to

get better at because I've tried to

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switch my mindset to be like, you are

creating an atmosphere for other people

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to enjoy, for other people, to build

social connection and relationships.

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And that's beautiful

and that is not waste.

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But if you're also like me in struggle,

sometimes I do like to look on

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Pinterest and just get ideas for decor

that can be utilized later and won't

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:

just get thrown away after the party.

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:

I've also been given like fall cloth

napkins, so I love the idea of decor

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that's washable in the laundry, or

that can be reused in some ways.

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:

So something as simple as fall napkins,

of course, fall colored plates,

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things like that can really help to

elevate the decor without being waste.

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:

So since I don't typically spend too much

money on the invite, sometimes I'll write

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like little notes to people for their

place setting or like a fancy name card if

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I don't have as much time to write a note.

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But I love handwritten notes, and I

think that's really special to have

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:

just a little handwritten note telling

the person why you're grateful for

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:

them or something you love about them.

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:

For the meal.

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I do typically think like a potluck is

fun, or you can have people pitch in

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:

five or $10 to actually get it catered

if you'd like, if you didn't want to

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:

cook or if you didn't have a kitchen big

enough to cook everyone's meals, but.

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I like to have people sign up for

something like a protein, a carb, a

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veggie, a bread, a appetizer, a dip,

maybe a cocktail plates, silver or

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forks, all of those sorts of things.

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And I think we've always done it over

text just to make it easy so people can

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see what other people are bringing and

think, oh, what of my dishes that I like

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to cook, go with what they're bringing.

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So that's the way we like to do it, but.

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I do think having a variety and

actually spelling out that variety

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for other people to understand.

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That way you're not just stuck

with like bread and potatoes

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and like pasta and super heavy

dishes, but you have a well-rounded

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:

variety for everyone to enjoy.

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:

And then lastly for the conversations,

I went to a Friendsgiving last

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:

year where my friend had that game.

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We're not really

strangers, friends version.

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:

And that was super fun.

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:

We all just picked a card and chatted

and it was just a way to break

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:

the ice for friends of your friend

that you might not know as well.

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:

So I thought that was a great idea.

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You could also ask people different

conversation starters I've seen this

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:

for a wedding and I actually thought

it was a really good idea having people

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submit a fun fact and then have everyone

guess who fun fact that is at the table.

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So I thought all of those were

great ideas, but I never like

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to have it too structured.

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But it is nice to have things to lean

on if things start to get a little

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:

bit more flat or silent, where.

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Little side conversations have

stopped and dulled a little bit,

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and now it's time to get the whole

group involved in a conversation.

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:

So this is a jam packed episode

of a variety of things, but it's

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:

definitely kicking off this month of

November and this month of gratitude

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and relationships and quality

relationships in a super fun way, I hope.

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But I hope you learned

a lot from this episode.

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Some fun things that you might not

typically think of as health and wellness,

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:

but that are true health and wellness

because something like relationships

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:

and more of the soft side of wellness

does heavily impact our overall health

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:

and happiness for the rest of our lives.

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:

So I hope you guys enjoyed this episode.

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I hope you have a wonderful month

of gratitude and relationships

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:

and come back to this episode.

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If you ever feel guilty about.

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:

Ditching the gym time for something like

a happy hour because it's those little

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:

things that are more investments in your

longevity fund, but investments into

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:

the relationship side of things versus

the physical fitness side of things.

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:

So I hope you enjoyed this episode and

I'll see you guys again on the next

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episode of Wellness Exists, the pod.

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About the Podcast

Wellness Big Sis: The Pod
Wellness Big Sis: The Pod (By Maven Media) includes wellness girl chats by host, Kelsy Vick, a board-certified orthopedic Doctor of Physical Therapy. Join us as we learn about our female bodies and all aspects of wellness, creating a sisterhood of empowered wellness big sisters... without the clothes-stealing ;)
@wellnessbigsispod
@dr.kelsyvickdpt

About your host

Profile picture for Kelsy Vick

Kelsy Vick

Dr. Kelsy is a Board-Certified Orthopedic Doctor of Physical Therapy, a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist, and the Founder of elää wellness, a global wellness education and action agency for women. As the host of wellness big sis:: the pod, she hopes to share science-backed education for young women in a fun and simplified way. Join us!

elaa-wellness.com
@elaa_wellness
@dr.kelsyvickdpt